A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope