Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Worth a try
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Only short people can save us
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no