I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You Might Also Like
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
This is my brand.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?