Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Breaking news:
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.