Never let them know your next move 😂
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ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
they split up moments later
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*