Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops