Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
hey, alexa
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.