When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.