SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
You Might Also Like
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic