They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
#SuperBowl
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!