[Commercial for Milk]
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I feel seen
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow