Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
whelp that’s enough instagram for today