4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants