Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Wednesday
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.