Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha