“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock