Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”