My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes