Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.