My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.