My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t