Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple