Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.