Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.