[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.