“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
You Might Also Like
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded