Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
twitter users today:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Sex so good you see dead people.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.