My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°