if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.