Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*