Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The honesty is refreshing
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.