ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused