My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin