Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled