*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!