Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
also my go-to takeaway order
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.