[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”