Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest