Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
#FunnyLife Insects
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams