Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
12. I think about this all the damn time
multitasking lunch
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-