FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.