(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me, reading some of your tweets
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.