[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
channeling her this year
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door