When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
At Walmart during the holidays like..
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.