I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.