My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I can’t wait!
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.