BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going