[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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