In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off