Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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Great Canadian literature.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
is nasa ok
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)